So today, while in Florida and enjoying the best weather we're liable to see until the next time we head significantly south of where we live, soaking up the sunshine and the Vitamin D, hanging out with people I like quite a lot, I realized that I lost one of my hankies. I had one in my pocket on the plane on Sunday and now I can't find it.
Now tell me ... what would you do? I'm guessing that the normal, sane, emotionally stable out there would think - "ah crap! I lost my hankie". And that would be it. You might think that you should try and find a new one if you can and you would move on. Am I right?
That would be the logical way to deal with it. I see that there is no point in dealing with it in any other fashion. But is this what I do? Well, it's what I WANT to do. It's what I think I should do. But instead, I look through every pocket, every suitcase, every bag that we brought. I try to think where I saw it last - balled up in a fairly damp state in my coat pocket, I think. I have no idea where it might have left my person. No doubt someone on a plane found it and was completely grossed out by it's presence.
And about three hours after I made this realization, I'm totally pissed off that I can't find it. It was one of the things I still had of my grandmothers that I've been using (not that she ever used them - they looked pretty pristine when I got them out). But I have 6 of them - well, 5 now, and they have been sitting in a cedar chest for a good 15 years. I didn't even know I owned it until a couple of months ago. It means very little to me, and yet I can't stop thinking about it. And that, my friends, is rumination. I mentioned it in my last post about depression - it's a symptom of the disorder. And it's true. It's what I do. And if, by chance, I manage to not think about it for a while, I'll remember that something was bothering me, and I'll bring it back to the front of my brain to think about it again. I get particularly distressed when I lose things. I will also ruminate a lot if I think I've pissed someone off.
Now, on the good side, I transferred all of my stuff from one bag to another today and missed the pouch that holds all of my money. Not knowing for sure where it was, but having a pretty good idea that it was still in the other bag, instead of worrying it about it all day, I just assumed it was still in the other bag and got on with enjoying Harry Potter World - which was a blast, by the way. So I was very proud of myself
for not ruminating about that. My pride, however was short-lived once I discovered my hankie was missing and I went on the Great Hankie Search. Oh well. One step at a time.
The really good news is that in this weather my nose hasn't been running like it normally does, so I didn't realize the hankie was missing for a good 48 hours. I should focus on the good here, I think. If I can. I'll try. Wish me luck.