Thursday, July 21, 2011

The Perpetual Learning Curve

I feel the need to again state that I write about depression and anxiety because they are such totally misunderstood conditions.  I don't write for sympathy.  I don't want sympathy.  I am who I am because of what I go through in life.  And most of the time I think I'm a pretty amazing person.  I just want people to understand that if someone is acting strangely, it's quite possible that they aren't assholes at heart or mean people - it's just possible that their brain chemistry is fucked up. 

Onwards ...

For those of you who read most of my posts, you may have noticed a rather tense up and down in the past couple of weeks.  Or maybe not.  But my being HAS been tense and rather up and down the past 3 weeks. 

I always really wonder if all the exercise, vitamins, good food, sleep, yoga, etc. actually help the mood problems I have.  It doesn't FEEL like they do. 

I'm a person who works a lot on intuition - I tend to do what feels right in my gut to do.  So I rely on my feelings a lot.  And when they are screwed up by my inner chemistry, I end up acting and behaving strangely (as observed from the outside or in hindsight - it seems perfectly logical to me at the time).  And when my moods are screwed up, it's hard to feel like exercise, food or sleep could possibly make anything better.  It FEELS like I would feel better if everyone else would just stop acting mean, irresponsible or irrational, and my mood would be fixed if I ate bags of chocolate chips and cheezies (for others it's drugs and alcohol - it's all filling the same hole).  But the truth is that my mood is not caused by someone else acting improperly (most of the time they aren't anyhow), and changing their behaviour can NEVER change how I feel.  And eating that chocolate isn't going to fix anything, either.  It just FEELS like it would.

So I question if my lifestyle actually helps the mood - especially when I'm feeling stable.  I don't know why I question it.  Maybe because I feel good and it feels like I'll never feel unstable again.  And it feels like something as simple as riding my stationary bike for 30 minutes a day couldn't possibly affect my MOOD!  But it does.  Logic and years of experience tell me that if I do certain things, I feel better.  So I should always do those things.  But you don't always get to.

The past three weeks have been consumed with getting ready to go on a road trip, going on a road trip with my 7-year-old, visiting a friend with a terminal illness, coming back to life stress, buying tile, tearing out the kitchen floor and laying a new kitchen floor (with my Father-In-Law - who, I have promised my husband, I will never work on a project with ... ever again). 

Just writing it all out makes me realize that there was quite a lot of stress in the past 3 weeks (and above all, stress is the worst thing for my moods).  Mixed in with all the stress, I spent a week on the road, not eating right and not exercising, and then a week with neither a kitchen nor the time to cook any food.  Because of the situation, for a few days my pills were necessary, and therefore my sleep was totally screwed up. 

We finished laying the floor on Monday.  After two days of the last of the major stress ending, and getting on my bike, and eating better, I'm starting to feel better again.  If anyone can testify that the body needs some down time, it's me.  Pushing myself too far out of my routine and working too hard really does a number on me.  And even though I KNOW this ... somehow I'm still LEARNING it.  I've noticed that even after I know something, I have to re-learn it over and over again.  Hopefully it will become embedded soon.

So the lesson from the past few weeks ... don't expect to push yourself beyond your limitations without some fallout.  And for everyone:  KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS!!  We all have them.  They are all different.  And we shouldn't feel inadequate because we have them or because ours are not at the same level as others ... We are all different. 

And have tollerance for the limitations of others.  They may not be lazy after all.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Sandi,
    I just wanted to let you know how much I am enjoying - and appreciating - all of your blog posts. They are written with such openness & genuineness. I don't comment every time, but I do read each & every one. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete

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