Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Two of me

I struggle - there are two of me ... well maybe more, but for this discussion, there are two. 

There is the me who went to university for 9 years and got 2 degrees.  I got my MASTERS degree in ARCHAEOLOGY.  Besides being my passion, it SOUNDED great!  It was impressive.  This me sort of thought she'd always be an archaeologist running digs and working.  She was independent and alone and carefree.  But she wasn't particularly happy.  She thought she was, but she didn't understand - in fact, she didn't have a CLUE.  It was the external things that provided superficial happiness.  She was do dysfunctional without even knowing it.  But it was what it was and it wasn't unpleasant.  Part of her is still here in me.  Part of me still thinks she should be persuing a career and making the "big bucks" as they say.  Sometimes, when tempted, that part of me takes over for a while.

Then there's the other part of me.  The mother, the life partner, the person who wants to "be the change".  This "me" is also the one who wants to pursue he own research interested (pay or no pay), wants to write, blog, do little (and big) projects at home to improve her life and the life of her family.  She wants to cook good food, provide a healthy lifestyle for her boys, keep a clean house (ha! - I want to, but rarely keep up), and be a more spiritually and physically fit being.

When either side of me takes over too much, I crave the other.  When I am busy working (which I am this month), I think I want to stop working altogether and just be a housewife.  But when I'm not working, I feel the need to find some work to do. 

So often on the blog I talk about balance - and that's what this is about.  I have these two sides, and I need to keep them balanced.  The home body - the cook, the spiritual one, the yogini - I see her as being the "true" me ... but she's not.  She's only part of me.  And no matter how much I want to be her all of the time, there is another part of me that still needs that external validation - needs to prove that she can still do it. 

So I accept them both.  And continue on.  And try to keep the balance.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.