I'm reading Ellie's blog. She has cancer. That's not why she started the blog. A few years ago she was a recovering alcoholic and was also fighting a battle with food and decided to write honestly about those issues. Her dad died last year suddenly and she wrote honestly about that. And then she found out about the cancer a couple of months ago. Throat cancer - in her tonsils, I believe. And she continues to write about it through her chemotherapy and radiation. Today was the first she's mentioned how hard and painful it is getting. It sucks and it makes me reflect.
I sit here on a sunny Sunday afternoon in the warmth of the rays coming through my wide office windows, my son curled up on my lap playing Zombie Cafe (?!) on the iPod and I think: "how the hell did I get to be this lucky?" I'm healthy (as far as I know), I'm happy and/or content 90% of the time (compared with a much lower percentage even a couple of years ago), I get to stay at home and don't have the pressures of having to earn a living. But I still get to do interesting research and writing. I have the bestest husband and son ever. How DID I get to be this lucky?
Frankly, I don't think it was an accident or fate. I believe I created this life. Through the ups and downs the hard times and the easy, I've gotten to this place because of the choices I've made. I've been reading a lot lately about how we create our reality - from the spiritual through the practical to the quantum mechanical - and I am beginning to believe it is completely true. We decide how to face this life, we decide how we are going to deal with things. We are dealt certain cards, but we decide how to play them.
I don't believe that Ellie created her cancer. I think there is a possibility that alcohol, genetics and other factors aided in it, but I don't blame the patient. I think I've been lucky to be as healthy as I have - and lucky to have dealt with depression and anxiety in a way that I find useful and a growth opportunity. And Ellie is lucky, too - because she has chosen to live through her treatments, to talk about them, to share her experience and to not let it hinder her spirit. She chose to talk to the doctor about the lump on her neck even though she didn't want to. She chooses to embrace this disease and learn from it just as she has embraced the alcoholism and the other trials in her life.
I'm lucky - and I hope that if I ever have to deal with what Ellie is going through that I can be as wise and grounded as she is with it. My prayers go out to her. This is a hard struggle. But the doctors say she is going to be alright.
I also think of my dear friend Shelly who is going through a divorce and suffering greatly from it. Recently she blogged about how she is trying to use her suffering to help her get to a deeper spiritual place in her soul. I commend her also for taking a tough situation and making it a learning opportunity.
And then I think of myself in the past when I used to create drama in my life that wasn't really there (and i know other people who continue to do the same thing) . It no longer makes any sense to me. Drama is not something you need in your life and it is no longer something I WANT in my life. I choose not to have it anymore, I choose not to create it. And I don't want to play those games anymore ... with anyone. Sorry, folks. Any drama in my life has to be real, not created. And I'd rather not have the real stuff either, thanks. Enough stress enters through other doors.
Thanks to Ellie and Shelly I have some perspective on things - they have both given me a great gift. Perspective is hard to attain and harder to keep, but I hope this ray of light stays with me.
I'm the luckiest girl on the planet.