That's what it comes down to this week ... pain. Working through it, experiencing it, dealing with it.
Not external pain. No ... this is internal pain. Working out old kinks and new ones.
My son is having trouble at school. This is new for us. He's a very smart kid. With very little effort on his part he's always had A's and B's. Now he's looking a D in the face and it's hard. For me. It's hard for him, too. But not that hard. He doesn't really care what his grades are except in relation to how WE feel about them. A letter or a number on the page doesn't matter to him unless we get upset about it. So, in reality, we HAVE to get upset about it. I didn't want to be one of "those" parents. One who harped on grades. But here's the thing - he's not working up to his potential and he doesn't care about the grade. So to get him to care, I think I have to harp on the grade. Because the teacher isn't managing to get him to care.
Something is going on at school and it's something that's kicked in in the past 2 months. And I don't know what it is - and I can only guess because I'm not AT school. The teacher says it's that our son is too immature. She wants to hold him back a grade to allow him time to "man-up" basically. I see my son as sensitive. He is also the youngest kid in a split grade (next kid is 3 months older and some are close to 2 years older than him) - but I don't believe for a second that he is overly immature - not enough for him to be held back a grade.
All of this stress, anger and turmoil around my son has caused my moods to go. Not in the usual way. I don't have the usual symptoms. No one hates me today. I'm not feeling overly sensitive. It's more like I'm lashing out. At my husband. Towards the teacher. At myself. And I'm down. It's weird. I can't count on my old cues to let me know when there's a problem. Suddenly I have to figure out new ones. Just when I thought I had this all figured out ... it changed! Damn it. That's what this "disease" "dis...ease" does. Actually, that's what this life does. Doesn't it?
I started writing this post a couple of days ago. I've started to settle down - medication is helping. Finally had a decent sleep last night. I'm realizing that problems at school in grade 3 are not the end of the world - just felt like it. We'll figure this all out. Son has brought home a couple of good grades this week and is very happy about it. Crisis passing. But ... damn! I wish I weathered the crises better.