Well, it seems the only posts I wrote this week were in relation to the shooting at Sandy Hook. That's okay. It was a big deal. It was transformative for everyone.
Here's where I have landed 6 days later:
I don't care if I had 9 years of University. I don't care if I could be making $80,000 a year as a successful archaeologist (or less, or more). I don't care if we don't have a bigger house, a second car or nicer clothes.
I. Don't. Care.
Here's what I care about: I care that I have a good relationship with my son. I care that he gets just as many hugs as he wants and sometimes more. I care that I see him every morning and get to drive him to school and then get to pick him up when he's done. I care that I'm there for him - even when he doesn't need me - maybe especially when he doesn't need me, because that means I'm always there when he DOES need me. I care that I grow some of our food, cook most of our food and do most of our baking with organic, whole wheat flour that is grown locally. I care that we support our local economy and our bodies by buying only locally raised meat and eggs.
I care that my husband and I love each other deeply and are still best friends after almost 11 years of marriage. I care that I have a musical outlet and get to sing and play my flute regularly. I care that we are part of a community. I care that we have wonderful friends.
I don't care if anyone would look at me and think that I wasted an education. I still get to use it part time and enjoy the work I do get paid for. But it is not my life. My life is my family, my friends, my community.
And I can continue to think and learn and understand things deeply, even when I'm not "working".
The Women's Movement was an interesting thing. It was supposed to give women freedom. And certainly, women now have the freedom to pursue a career if they want one. But sometimes I think the results were not quite as planned. I know for a fact that for me the women's movement piled on the guilt.
I LIKE being at home. I LIKE doing the things I'm doing. But because of when I was born (1968) and the popular culture I grew up with, I was taught that I wasn't supposed to like those things. I was supposed to want a career and want the freedom to do what I chose, instead of being a mom and housewife.
Well, folks, when I see how screwed up some children are, when I see the disconnect that some families experience, when I get to know adults who never had their parents around, well ... I'm glad my mother was around for me and I'm glad I'm there for my son.
None of us are perfect in our parenting. But at the very least I need to be present for my kid.
That's where my mind ends up after the shock and horror of what happened last week.