Thursday, April 25, 2013

Ruminating

If there is one symptom of anxiety/depression that I wish would just go away, it's ruminating.

Ruminating is when you keep thinking of something over and over again.  The situation builds each time you think of it.  You know that it isn't nearly as bad as it feels, but you just can't stop your damned head from going over and over and making you feel worse and worse.

Happened to me last night.  It was choir night and we were practicing at our church.  I didn't really want to go, but we have performances coming up, and it was imperative.  So I went.  And it went just fine.  Until the end.  There were three of us left, I thought - the conductor was no where to be found in the sanctuary or the lobby, and the Minister's door was closed - her meeting had ended and I assumed she had gone home.  Our piano player and co-conductor was left and I assumed she was locking up.  But the sound system was still on and when I asked, she didn't know how to turn it off.  So I went over and took a look.  There was a "main power" switch so I turned it off (and heard a "bump" from the speakers), and covered the sound board. 

Then, when I went out the conductor was there with three other members of the choir - they had been downstairs.  As it turned out the Minister was there, too - just had her door closed.  And I had turned off the sound system incorrectly.  There's a power down button - that turns things off in a certain sequence.  The church recently had the speakers blown, and now I was worrying that I had blown the speakers again and would have to buy them new ones. 

Here's the thing - it wasn't the physical fact of damaging speakers that bothered me.  It was that I had made assumptions and then done something I didn't know how to do (with good intentions) and screwed up.  Even if the speakers were fine (which I'm hoping they will be), I had done something wrong.  The perfectionist in me was wounded, I suppose. 

And the ruminating began.  And I couldn't shut my head off.  There were tears (embarrassing to say) and I eventually took a pill in the hopes that it would go away.

This morning it is still there - that little annoying voice in my head.  But it isn't as loud. 

Here's hoping the logical side of my brain takes over from the illogical.

And can anyone who knows tell me if there's even a possibility that I damaged the speakers?

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