So I haven't written about my weight in a long time. Weight is not really a problem with me - in that I am not over-weight. I am, according to my BMI, within normal standards. At one point I got down to 136 pounds (for my 5' 5 1/2" height) - which would be great to attain again. I am back up to almost 143, and edging to the upper end of that "normal" range. I exercise daily and try to watch what I eat. But although I have the knowledge I need, I also have cravings that I don't want.
The problem is that I eat when I am not hungry and I crave sweets - mostly chocolate. I eat when I am stressed, bored (which is a type of stressed), or doing something I don't want to do (also stress, but then I'm also using food as a form of procrastination). It doesn't help that I work at home within about 3 feet of the fridge (through walls, I do have to walk to get to it).
I've heard so many people say that eating under these conditions is "filling a hole" - in one's psyche, presumably. I have never particularly identified with this. I don't FEEL like I'm filling a hole. But I'm definitely not eating because of hunger.
So it's a form of self-soothing that I really need to concentrate on replacing with something else - and not healthier food - but a different activity altogether. Maybe blogging :) Or reading. Or writing something else. Not sure, but I need a more productive activity than raiding the freezer for those chocolate chips or that ice cream.
Anyhow, I feel the need to share, because I need accountability again - and because I know lots of other people have the same problem. I need to state publicly that I have not fixed anything. I think I've learned about some of my behaviours, but I'm obviously not in control of my eating habits. More than some people, but not as much as I'd like to be.
And may I say that bad habits not visible before I turned 40 are now much more obvious. I can't eat what I used to and not have it show on my waistline - and maybe there's a reason for that. Maybe I do need to dig deep and figure out psychological reasons for eating - instead of eating them away. Maybe as you get older, the Universe conspires to push you into dealing instead of relying on vices - and in my case, it's tool of choice is the scale. So I guess I have to do some of the hard work. Again. Damn it.