Okay, so I have written quite a bit about trying to lose weight - I haven't been very good at it. I'm not overweight - but I'm up at the top of my "normal" BMI range and I'd like to be a little more in the middle of it. (I've probably covered ALL of this post previously, but most often I don't learn the first time - forgive my repetition).
So I've been trying for 2 years and really haven't lost any weight after the first two weeks - well, I have lost, and gained, and lost, and gained. I was 147 pounds in September 2012. Today I am 144. Whoopee. I got as low as 136 for about 5 seconds, but I've been mostly between 142 and 144 for 2 years.
Well, a friend of mine accused me of wanting to lose weight just so I fit better into my clothes. That's definitely part of it. Another part is that I don't want to look at pictures of myself where I feel I look fat. But it bothered me a lot when he said that my only concern was how I look, and it made me think. Because how I look really isn't the driving force here.
CONTROL - that's the driving force for me where losing weight is concerned. I want more control over when, what, and why I eat. There is definitely a huge emotional component to my eating. I don't eat when I'm hungry. I eat when it is time to eat, when I'm stressed, when I'm bored, and if I allow myself to eat. I never learned to listen to my hunger, I learned to listen to my emotions. And eating for emotional reasons is not a good plan. Because if you eat to cover up the emotions, the emotions just get buried, not dealt with.
So that's why I want my weight to go down - but by focusing on the weight, it's not solving the problem. I need to focus on my hunger. Listening to my body about when and what it needs to eat. And I need to notice when I want to eat for emotional reasons - look at what triggered it and deal with the emotions in another way.
I need to be aware - I need to be present with my food and hunger. I have been trying, but maybe by making it public, I'll work a little harder at it.