Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Depression and drugs

I did something that I tell people to never do.  I did something that I've judged others for doing.  I pulled a common faux pas.  I went off my meds because I was feeling so much better.

I was getting lots of sunshine and exercise and I was doing better than I have in years - so I don't need the drugs, right??

It's a bit of a rookie mistake - or maybe it's part of the disease - or human nature.  But when you feel better, you think you are cured.  And maybe you are.  But not always.

Anyhow, after being off my meds for a couple of weeks (maybe ... I didn't take note of what day I went off but 1.5 to 2 weeks, anyhow), I am starting to feel those old familiar feelings - over-reacting, impatience, being quieter than normal, adrenaline when I don't want it.  Also some strange withdrawal symptoms that are unpleasant (but those are beside the point).  So back onto them!

I always tell people to do what their doctors tell them where their medication is concerned.  And I mean it.  So what makes me think I can mess with my own?  Well, right now I'm thinking it might be arrogance.

But in reality, because of the medical system and my personality, I've never had a doctor diagnose me.  I've diagnosed myself.  So in some way I feel like I'm kind of faking it.  I think that somehow I don't really NEED the meds because no one has really taken the time to talk with me about my issues.  But that's all silly thinking - caused, undoubtedly, by the mood disorder itself.

So to mess with your own medication, you need to be exceedingly self-aware - be able to notice when you aren't thinking right.  Be able to see the symptoms when they are extremely mild and really just part of what is considered the normal spectrum of moods - when really they aren't.  It's a tricky business, and I wouldn't suggest it to anyone.  Listen to your doctors.  They got all that education for a reason.

My mother will be happy.  She doesn't like it when I decide what to do with my medication - although I have a doctor who seems to be okay with it.

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