Thursday, July 24, 2014

What's going on with me.

So I've been posting a lot of stuff lately about what I've been doing.  But not much on HOW I've been doing.  Anyone new to the blog may not be aware, but I have what I like to call a "mood disorder."  I hate terms such as "suffer" with depression and anxiety.  I "live" with mild depression and anxiety.  And it effects my personality sometimes - I become extremely sensitive to other people - what they say to me - and concerned about what I've said to them.  I also get cranky with my family and sometimes others.

Well, until a few days ago, I'd been doing very well, indeed.  I felt like a channel for the universe, like everything was in place and just where it should be.  I've been taking Cipralex (an SSRI anti-depressant) regularly and feeling much better on it, as well as a mild sleeping pill to help get more regular and lasting sleep.  But the past couple of weeks have been rather busy and that is always difficult.  We hosted a party (okay - here's my sensitivity to others - not everyone can be invited to a party.  We invited a regular group of folks to our place who enjoy food.  I'm terribly sorry that we can't invite everyone, but we just can't), went to the funeral of a very young cousin, had relatives visit, went to see Wicked, lost some sleep driving to the airport at 4:30 in the morning (which I'm really happy to do and I got some great photos, but it does take a toll) ... it's just been very busy which is a trigger.  And my son and I, after nearly a month at home with each other, seem to be having an "adjustment period" - in other words, we're getting on each other's nerves.  And we're both grumpy.

So I've been eating poorly - too much sugar, which is one of my addictions that gives me short-term relief from feeling so stressed, but long-term it makes it worse (sound like alcohol or drugs?  Well it is - just not nearly as life damaging or extreme) - and not exercising enough, etc, etc.  And so I was in tears the other night thinking that if I could just have a day to myself, I would feel better.

I don't really think that's the answer, though.  That won't fix it in and of itself.  I need to sleep regularly, eat better food, exercise, get sunshine, reduce obligations (of which mine are mostly self-inflicted like blogging and making jewellery and taking photos - all of which I love, but I need to be easier on myself about getting them done).  The usual.  But somehow, like so many things in life, these bits of advice that I KNOW, and that I am quick to give other people, are still not part of my being.  Not part of what I unconsciously do.  I'd rather eat a grilled cheese sandwich than go out into the garden and get salad makings.  But I know I should do the latter.  I would rather eat ice cream and chocolate chips than cherries and raspberries.  But, again, I know I should do the latter.  I would rather make jewellery than exercise ... you get the picture.

To all of you out there who find yourself feeling "out of sorts" - take the time to make your mood a priority.  Do the long-term fixes, not the short-term, and realize that you can't do everything.  No one can.  But some of us can do less of everything than others.  And that is okay.

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