So I've been posting a lot of stuff lately about what I've been doing. But not much on HOW I've been doing. Anyone new to the blog may not be aware, but I have what I like to call a "mood disorder." I hate terms such as "suffer" with depression and anxiety. I "live" with mild depression and anxiety. And it effects my personality sometimes - I become extremely sensitive to other people - what they say to me - and concerned about what I've said to them. I also get cranky with my family and sometimes others.
Well, until a few days ago, I'd been doing very well, indeed. I felt like a channel for the universe, like everything was in place and just where it should be. I've been taking Cipralex (an SSRI anti-depressant) regularly and feeling much better on it, as well as a mild sleeping pill to help get more regular and lasting sleep. But the past couple of weeks have been rather busy and that is always difficult. We hosted a party (okay - here's my sensitivity to others - not everyone can be invited to a party. We invited a regular group of folks to our place who enjoy food. I'm terribly sorry that we can't invite everyone, but we just can't), went to the funeral of a very young cousin, had relatives visit, went to see Wicked, lost some sleep driving to the airport at 4:30 in the morning (which I'm really happy to do and I got some great photos, but it does take a toll) ... it's just been very busy which is a trigger. And my son and I, after nearly a month at home with each other, seem to be having an "adjustment period" - in other words, we're getting on each other's nerves. And we're both grumpy.
So I've been eating poorly - too much sugar, which is one of my addictions that gives me short-term relief from feeling so stressed, but long-term it makes it worse (sound like alcohol or drugs? Well it is - just not nearly as life damaging or extreme) - and not exercising enough, etc, etc. And so I was in tears the other night thinking that if I could just have a day to myself, I would feel better.
I don't really think that's the answer, though. That won't fix it in and of itself. I need to sleep regularly, eat better food, exercise, get sunshine, reduce obligations (of which mine are mostly self-inflicted like blogging and making jewellery and taking photos - all of which I love, but I need to be easier on myself about getting them done). The usual. But somehow, like so many things in life, these bits of advice that I KNOW, and that I am quick to give other people, are still not part of my being. Not part of what I unconsciously do. I'd rather eat a grilled cheese sandwich than go out into the garden and get salad makings. But I know I should do the latter. I would rather eat ice cream and chocolate chips than cherries and raspberries. But, again, I know I should do the latter. I would rather make jewellery than exercise ... you get the picture.
To all of you out there who find yourself feeling "out of sorts" - take the time to make your mood a priority. Do the long-term fixes, not the short-term, and realize that you can't do everything. No one can. But some of us can do less of everything than others. And that is okay.