Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Feeling like a raw nerve

Anxiety and Depression - are you guys going to get tired of hearing of it?  Of me?  That's one of my worries - especially right now - at a time when I feel like a raw nerve.

Don't worry about me (Mom)!  This will pass.  It always does.  But for those of you who don't have this loathsome problem, some highlights from this latest "bout" which has lasted a few days now (I can never really judge how long I've been feeling bad - it feels like forever - but maybe 2 weeks, maybe 5 days).

I have no patience for my poor son - he can't do anything right - or at least he's feeling that way because I'm being grouchy (which is not at all fair) - and the sweetheart is trying to cheer me up.  And my husband is being perceived by my imbalanced brain as someone who never appreciates anything I do and probably doesn't love me anymore - and is now questioning whether he DOES appreciate me.  And my friends are all mad at me, too.

It's hardest on the people I live with.  Believe me.  I can handle this, but they don't understand what is going on in my head, and it changes quickly.  So at least I know where I stand.  And I know where they stand.  They do not.

Last night I had disappointed my son and done something to piss off a friend and those two things sent me into a spiral.  That spiral included about 1 1/2 hours of crying - it comes in waves.  I'll be okay for a few minutes and then the emotions (and ruminating, and wondering if my son still loves me, or my friend will ever talk to me again) hit all over again and the tears start.  I can't stop them.  If I do, I feel like I will explode.  And while I'm crying it feels like my heart is being yanked at from outside of myself.  Like a thread of green energy is trying to draw it out of my body.  And the centre of my chest aches.

And then I take an Ativan - because times like this are what they are for - and in a little while the waves of grief (and that's what it feels like - grief although no one has died) subside and I can sleep.

When I wake up the next morning - and for most of the next day - I don't feel like I can really open my eyes all the way.  They are puffy and tired from all the tears.  Hugs from the friends I work with once a week really help - so does joking around while I process books at the library and have some friendly banter with my co-worker.  But by 6:30 pm when I'm writing another blog post, I can feel the tears wanting to come again.  Time for another pill.

I could understand all of this if my son was still mad at me - he's not.  Or if I hadn't seen my friend and had a chat that showed that he is, indeed, still speaking to me.  But that would be rational, and THIS is not.  Not at all.  And that's what other people need to understand.  Depression/anxiety ... it's irrational.  Totally irrational!

Most of the time, I am a rather rational, intelligent, together person.  When this demon rears it's head, I am not.  And I don't always realize it.  It's tricky.

I will be fine.  Although I'm experiencing all of these emotions, they aren't me - they aren't who I am. I am still me.  I'm still in here and mostly in control.  So I'm okay.  Just once in a while my cheeks are wet and I feel like hell.

**And please realize that I don't write about the good times when I'm feeling normal.  I only write about the bad times.  Although it may seem like I feel bad all of the time, I really do not.


  1. Hiya Sandi! Love you tons! And so do your family and friends!! I totally understand that spiral thing. Mine are mostly tied to hormones, and I always do the same thing where I step back for a second and realize that's what it is. It's so smart of you to write it out and ride it out. And know that tomorrow will (eventually) be a better day. xxoo.

  2. Thanks, Erin. After a while of feeling like this, I've upped my meds from 10mg to 15mg. I've done that on my own because my Dr. is out of town, and I know it is a reasonable dose. I'll get an appointment with her when she is back.


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