Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Why, God?

In regards to mood, it's been a less than stellar 6 weeks. And this past week was probably worse than those before. And at times like this - when I felt so good for September and October - I wonder "Why, God"? If I listen closely enough and pay attention, I usually get an answer.

Existenitally, the answer is: "so you can appreciate the good times when they come, help teach through your experience, and understand and be open to others' experience."

Physically, the answer is: "because you've been doing something you aren't enjoying (read: aren't supposed to be doing), because you've been neglecting your exercise, yoga and nutrition, and because you haven't had enough time to yourself."

I'll go into a little more detail. For the past 6 weeks or so, I've spent 10 hours per week at the Wetaskiwin Library, and on a schedule that split my days up pretty well: 11-2 Mondays and Thursday, 1-5 Saturdays. I also work at the Millet Library on Wednesday from 10-1. So that schedule made each day busy, left me little time for contract work or housework, and really disrupted my eating schedule. I've enjoyed the work, but there is one difficult woman I've been working with and her agression has made me quite upset at times - partly because I have these "issues", partly because she's just a bitch - others have quit specifially because of her. I have to be careful to not get into these situations because it REALLY affects me. I know, it would affect anyone, but I think it hits me a little harder, and it's harder for me to let it go.

I also realized that I haven't had the time to work on the projects that are important to me. For the past two years or so I have been researching and writing an article about my Great Grandfather's WWI battalion, and with this work at the library, I've just not even had the time to even think of scheduling work on the article.

So yesterday I quit the job at the Wetaskiwin Library. I'll still be there for another week or so, but after that, I can free up my schedule to fit in contract work and other projects. Also yesterday, I called the editor at the "Legion" magazine and asked if he would read my article when I'm done. He said he would. Steps in the right direction, I believe.

In addition to the Library (and because of it) I've not been exercising like I should be. Working out of the house makes that harder. So I've now committed to getting up early and doing it. Whether I want to or not. And I usually don't want to. But I feel better in the long run for it. And the yoga class I was going to have to give up - I don't have to anymore.

If it sounds like I'm whimpy and just can't handle what other people can, the truth is that I can't. I'm not happy about that, but I've realized that the standard our society has created for the modern woman is not one I can live up to. I cannot work full time out of the house (or, apparently, even part time). It doesn't work for me. When I have tried to do it, I have been in bad shape emotionally and had to be on medication full time as well. Plus, I'm not fun to live with. I just feel better when I don't force myself into that. It's not that I don't work hard - but it's on my terms, on my schedule. If I need to lie on the couch one day, I do - if I need to work in an evening, I do. It works better for me that way. And I'm fortunate to be able to do that.

The other thing I've been doing the past little while is eating "sugar free" cookies and candies that are sweetened with Malitol. As it turns out, sugar-free does not necessarily mean that it won't affect me the same way. Apparently Malitol is almost as bad as sugar as far as glycemic index and insulin levels are concerned. So I think I've been exacerbating my situation. So, nothing sweet for me. Except for a few limited things that I eat with artificial sweeteners - but I try not to do too much of that because THEY aren't good for you, either.

Existentially speaking, I really do believe that nothing happens without a reason. And this perspective certainly helps me tackle my issues by considering what those reasons might be. One reason might be to learn that I need to listen to my body, follow my dreams and not worry about the standard my society sets. I need to look at what else I can learn from what I'm going through. But that might be the fodder of another post. Righ now I have to run to Millet in a snow storm - wish me luck!

So I'll keep you posted. I'll let you know if any of my changes makes a difference. If they doen't, I'll be pissed and at a loss. But let's hope they do.


  1. Liz here...

    Have you tried Xyletol? Look it up online, if you haven't. Apparently it's good for the teeth, sweet, and doesn't affect blood sugar levels, etc. I'm not sure about the yeast thing with Xyletol, but I've bought it for Keith and he uses it when he goes to Tim Hortons when he's on the road... instead of getting his coffee with sugar and cream, he just asks for the cream and hold the sugar. One Xyletol packet does the trick.

    As for working outside the home... I'm right there with ya! Keith says I have enough of a job here at home and he doesn't want me working outside the home unless I *really* want to. I don't at this time.

    As I typed that, Justin came in to tell me the Quad is stuck at the end of the driveway. I hope your drive to Millet is safe! I'm not going anywhere, and only hoping that Rylan and Samantha get home safely. Rylan's at work, and I really can not believe that the busses were running this morning! I hope it gets her home again without any problems! Off I go to help un-stick the Quad. Hugs, and hang in there!


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