Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Truth

I've been thinking a lot about truth lately.  Basically:  "The Truth Will Set You Free".  Truth allows people to understand you better.  By telling the truth you no longer seem to be hiding something - and no one can create that "something" for you.  We can fear the truth, though.  And that fear comes from a perceived possible judgment.  So we keep secrets.

Keeping a secret can be tiring, though.  You can't share your experience openly with everyone - if you are trying to help someone else, you can't bring this part of yourself to the table.  You have to wonder:  "Did I tell this person", "If I tell this person, will they think less of me?".  If it's just out there, you don't have to keep track.

And in thinking about all of this I realized that I can't honestly write about being truthful and how it has helped me in my personal development, because there is a huge secret I've been keeping for many years.  I didn't realize how heavily it was weighing on me until recently.  And last night I realized that I am feeling compelled to write about it. 

However, I fear judgment, ridicule and alienation.  I know that my true friends will accept the choices I've made and stay with me.  I KNOW that, but somehow I am still afraid that it won't happen.

A week ago, my fear made me think that I would never write about this topic ... ever.  But now, I'm feeling compelled ..... Perhaps if I lie down the feeling will go away.

If and when I am ready to write about it, I will.  But I guess I'm writing this post to get a feeling on how you guys will react - is there support out there?  Will you still love me even if I divulge this secret I've been keeping?  Will your own personal beliefs bring judgment down upon me? 

Now I get a feeling for how a closeted gay person must feel.  But every gay person I know is just relieved to finally put it out there.  So maybe I will, too.

Maybe.

4 comments:

  1. You've been so open and honest with your thoughts and growing processes - this seems like it may be the next step for you, if and when you're ready.
    Interestingly enough, another blog I read has an entry today about secrets too (http://www.onecraftymother.com/2011/01/your-voice-matters.html). She's talking about women and alcohol, but I thought she had some great insight on those things we stuff deep inside. You'll always have people that back away, but I for one have learned a lot from your posts and you've made me think about things, which I appreciate. So you can put me in the support category, whatever you choose to share.

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  2. We've known one another since we were what? 6? 7? and I think we pretty much know the good, the bad and the ugly about one another. You've always been one of my very best friends, closer than sisters at times, and that will never change; I am here for you.

    Liz

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  3. I may be one of your newer friends but I love how you express your thoughts in an honest & open way. That in itself takes courage. Most importantly you make me think about things,life, myself, and family differently. Reflection allows us to ponder & explore the many facets of our humanity. Focus more on understanding our similarities rather than our differences. You are not alone and so you can put me in the support category too!
    - Carol-Lynn

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  4. Only love and acceptance coming from me. Writing is very therapeutic. Or, there is always the option of grabbing a trusted friend to talk about what is weighing on you. Truth doesn't always have to be exposed, as long as you are at peace with a personal truth. Though sometimes, this peace may be attained by sharing it with someone. And of course you know that by sharing your own experiences, you have helped others. But in the end, it must be about what is best for you. xo.

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