I've been thinking a lot about truth lately. Basically: "The Truth Will Set You Free". Truth allows people to understand you better. By telling the truth you no longer seem to be hiding something - and no one can create that "something" for you. We can fear the truth, though. And that fear comes from a perceived possible judgment. So we keep secrets.
Keeping a secret can be tiring, though. You can't share your experience openly with everyone - if you are trying to help someone else, you can't bring this part of yourself to the table. You have to wonder: "Did I tell this person", "If I tell this person, will they think less of me?". If it's just out there, you don't have to keep track.
And in thinking about all of this I realized that I can't honestly write about being truthful and how it has helped me in my personal development, because there is a huge secret I've been keeping for many years. I didn't realize how heavily it was weighing on me until recently. And last night I realized that I am feeling compelled to write about it.
However, I fear judgment, ridicule and alienation. I know that my true friends will accept the choices I've made and stay with me. I KNOW that, but somehow I am still afraid that it won't happen.
A week ago, my fear made me think that I would never write about this topic ... ever. But now, I'm feeling compelled ..... Perhaps if I lie down the feeling will go away.
If and when I am ready to write about it, I will. But I guess I'm writing this post to get a feeling on how you guys will react - is there support out there? Will you still love me even if I divulge this secret I've been keeping? Will your own personal beliefs bring judgment down upon me?
Now I get a feeling for how a closeted gay person must feel. But every gay person I know is just relieved to finally put it out there. So maybe I will, too.