I'm not entiredly sure why I started blogging. I've always had topics swirling around in my head and a sometimes constant monologue going on in there as well. I had things I wanted to say, and I sometimes considered something like a column in a local paper - but I didn't think I'd find an audience with that type of media in a small community.
So when blogging became popular and I had several topics that I wanted to cover, I figured I'd go ahead and use it as my way to vent the monologue. And it worked. I've vented and written about several topics that were close to me. It gave me a place to put my opinions and my stories.
But something darker lurked in the background. My sense of self has become tied to the blog in some way. When I write something and get a huge response, my heart soars. But, on the flip side, if I write something and few people read it, I feel low - like I've disappointed my readers. Or worse ... like it wasn't good. And to carry that just a little bit further: that I wasn't good enough.
Sometimes I just feel that I have to write something here to let people know I'm still alive. Or maybe to get a response from people so that I feel I haven't been forgotten. Being alone at home a lot can leave one feeling isolated and the blog (and Facebook) can be a way to confirm community. And that's not a reason to write in the blog. A topic is the reason to write, not a need for an ego boost.
As you may have guessed, this winter has been a bad one for me mood-wise. I wouldn't say the worst, because I really can't compare one year to another. I'm much more aware of my moods now than I was even a year ago, so it may just be that I've been more aware of my moods this year. I don't know, so I don't compare. But it hasn't been cheerful. I've been very sensitive to a lot of things. Been hurt by things that didn't even exist. And the blog is included in that. Sometimes I feel great about it, sometimes I feel like I'm failing.
I don't think I'll give up the blog. I have had many people say they liked reading it and that makes me feel great. But I need to create a different realtionship to my blog than what I have right now. I need to write only when I have something to say - not just because I need people to acknowledge me.