Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Horrible Mother

Today I feel like a horrible mother.  I was in a fine mood until I picked my lovely, wonderful son up at school.  And he started to spin like a top, and chatter on and on about Pokemon, and yammer on about nothing else.  Then, when we got home, it was like pulling teeth to get him to do his spelling.  Tears ensued (as they often do), but the spelling test is 2 days early this week because they have Thursday and Friday off, so if we don't get it right today, his spelling test results are bad (and on the report card he brought home yesterday, spelling had gone from an A to a B, so I'm focused on that a bit right now).  So I yell at him.  And get mad at him.  And hug him.  And he screws around.  And I get mad again. 

It's like an evil little dance - with some tears being real and some being fake - and some of my anger being real and some just to get my point across.

In any case now I feel like crying because I just can't get through to him without being mean.  And I don't want to be mean.  But today it feels like mean is the only place I can go.

And through all of this, all I can think is that I'm being totally unfair to my son and that it's my emotional disorder that is driving all of this.  But when I think about it logically, I understand that we're just having one of those days, that "those days" happen to every mom and child, and that it's totally normal.

Perhaps having just come back from vacation with my in-laws (who think that Daniel is just perfect and that I should never have to lean on him for anything) makes me feel like I am too hard on him a lot of the time.  But he didn't just come out of the box being the good kid he is.  He is that way because we require it of him.  And if we let him get away with everything like Nana and Papa think we should, then he wouldn't at all be the way he is.

So other mother (and father) friends of mine - I need some support.  Please remind me that you don't always adore your child.  The love is always there, but sometimes they get on your nerves, right?  Because right now I feel like the only one.  Although I know I'm not.

5 comments:

  1. Sandi, you are sooooo not alone! And so hard to get out of those sticky places when they happen. Of course I have a tonne of Attachment theory I could be nattering on about, but I won't because the last thing I want when I am feeling like the worst mother on earth is some other parent telling me how to parent. So hang in there and remember the relationship is the most important thing. Learning will come when the connection is strong. Damn...couldn't resist.

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  2. Well, I can tell you that parenting is not all kittens and rainbows, and whoever told you that it was is a flat out lair. I have been the mean parent, I have been the angry parent, and all the other faces of parenting.
    Carmen turns 18 today, OMG where did the time go? She is going to Trent University in the fall, with a bunch of scholarships, and she is a happy, well adjusted young women. I take pride it that. She is where she is because we didn't just let her be. We, her father and I worked hard to launch her into the world a strong person, with the skills and tools needed to be a success. We are not sorry about the nights of fighting over math at the kitchen table. Linda Meyette

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  3. Sandi-I'm that mother, too. I struggle as much as my son does. Our school counselor put us on to this approach: http://www.loveandlogic.com/
    which has been working well for us. Of course they want to sell you the books, etc. but check out some of their free stuff. I highly recommend the audio downloads. Good luck!

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  4. I go through this almost every day at some point. So you are definitely not alone.

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  5. Okay, I'm not a mom but I have worked with kids since I was little (my mom had a day home). YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Every parent has that feeling, I know for a fact that I did it to my parents! From what I have seen, your son is growing into an amazing person, and you and Noel did that! All you have to do is remember that fact! (okay, okay, go have a treat - you deserve it)

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