Friday, May 12, 2017

Anger - TABOO!

It amazes me.  Almost finished my 49th trip around the sun and I still come to really basic conclusions about life and myself on a regular basis.

Last night it was this:  "I am allowed to be mad.  And I don't have to check with other people to see if the situation warrants it".  I don't have to justify it.  I also don't have to express it, but I do have to process it.

We, as girls, are taught by our society (through our peers) that it is not nice to know a lot.  I have a reasonably high IQ - which may mean nothing, but it is the only standard measurement we have.  Mine stands hovering around 132 (just tried a free online one and it says 141 - but they are notoriously high).

When I was an elementary school student I was a bit of a know-it-all.  I've talked about this before.  I was kind of like Hermione Granger.  I knew stuff that other people didn't and I understood things more quickly.  And even when I was wrong, I still thought I was right.  This tends to piss people off.

So, in an attempt to have everyone (or at least some) people like me, I tried not to piss people off, and, in turn I tried to not get mad at them.  Because there's no faster way to get someone mad at you than to be mad at them.  But if I did get mad at someone, I tried not to.  I tried not to express it.  I tried not to be obnoxious.  I tried not to feel it.  And I would always try to get others' opinions on whether I was justified to be angry.  The only exception to this was my sister - she got the brunt of my pent-up anger.  Sorry, Sis!

I still do this.  If I get mad at someone, I want to know if the situation warrants it.  I ask other people.  I want to know if I'm reacting properly (also has something to do with misperceptions caused by depression and anxiety).  And I try to deny it - tending to believe that it is my mood disorder that is causing me to be angry, not the actual situation (which, sometimes, it is).

Well, you know what?  I do not need to ask other people if I'm allowed to feel angry.  I am.  It's a natural emotion and I'm allowed to experience it.  I'm allowed to process it.  I don't necessarily need to express it, but I need to allow it.

Almost 50 years on the planet and still learning - that's what this life shit is all about.

BTW - while I am writing this, flowers and a hug arrive at my door - an unspoken apology and forgiveness.  Life is always interesting.

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